Monday, January 09, 2012

Save a rhino - drinks included.

I wouldn't want you to think that my life revolves around alcohol - it doesn't. It more revolves around alcohol, writing, and travelling in Africa. All seem to complement each other nicely, I find.

I don't write under the influence of alcohol, but I have been known to extract the old digit and write faster as 4pm approaches. That, here in Africa, is knock-off time for me, and commencement of the sundowner beverage service.

In fact, I usually try to finish writing well before that, but lay off the sauce until 4. Well, sometimes.

I copped a bit of stick on Facebook recently for admitting that my tipple of choice (at the time) was Castle Lite. Whichever South African oke at SA Breweries came up with that name deserves to be dipped in a fondue of boiling hippo pooh. The 'lite' in Castle Lite refers to the fact that it is 'lite' in things that make you fat, such as carbohydrates.

It is not - let me say this again - not a low-alcohol beer. Its alcohol content is four per cent, the same as the very agreeable Windhoek Lager, which in times past has been my favourite African drop. Sadly, when ill-informed people see me drinking 'Lite' beer they think I am a nancy boy.

I am not. I'm just a middle aged man with a beer belly, which is why I like low carbohydrate beer. Sometimes. I'm getting a bit over it now, however.

In fact, I am currently ploughing my way through a couple of cases (slabs) of Dois M, a champion and very full-strength macho beach beer from Mozambique. I brought it back from a recent two-week trip up the Indian Ocean coast. This is the stuff that Alex the Pirate (in IVORY) and Mike Williams (from FAR HORIZON) would chug while braaiing some prawns, shooting some bad guys, and trying to seduce some comely beach chick.

The trouble now, however, is that I'm back in the bush, in the Kruger Park, not on a Mozambican beach eating prawns and lobsters to my heart's content. (Nor shooting people or seducing beach chicks, on the odd chance that Mrs Blog reads this post). A refreshing (i.e. watery) beer in a giant man-sized 440ml can is perfect for the beach, but not so the bush.

I've switched back to my other current favourite - Miller Genuine Draft. I know, it's not very African (although this iconic American brand is now owned by the aforementioned SA Breweries). It's light (not 'Lite'), full-strength, and the contents of the 330ml bottle don't have time to get warm before you get to the end. In short, a perfect bush beer.

And it's cheap. Well, compared to Australia it's cheap.

People in South Africa, like people everywhere around the world, like to whinge about the cost of living going up. And it is. I'm not denying that, or the fact that many people are feeling the pinch. But when it comes to alcohol the good folk of the R of SA must realise that they are very lucky to have a president who not only is a good dancer and chick magnet, but who is smart enough to keep the tax on booze to virtually zero.

This may shock some of you Aussies, but let me put this in perspective for you. I bought a case of 24 cans of beer the other day and it cost me R122. At the current exchange rate, that is about AUD$15. Yes, $15.

Now, South Africans, eyes to me... a case of Aussie beer would cost the equivalent, from a bottle shop, of R320. Yes, R320.

And people ask me why I love South Africa so much?

When it comes to wine the differences are even more pronounced. You can buy a very nice, drinkable bottle of South African wine for around R30. This is less than AUD$4. If you could buy a bottle of wine for $4 in Australia, which you can't, it would make you go blind. South Africans, you may not believe me, but in Australia it is not unusual for people to pay around R80 ($10) for a GLASS of wine in a pub.

Which leads me, in a roundabout way, but inevitably, to the actual subject of this blog post. Do gooding.

One of the things I'm most proud/pleased about as a result of writing books is that I get invited to help out at fundraising for worthy charities, usually with an African bent. I have a policy of 1. only supporting functions where I know that the funds raised are going direct to the people who need them most and who can do the most with them, and 2. only speaking at functions where alcohol is involved - preferably included in the cost. I find people are much more likely to laugh at my funny stories and buy my books if they are inebriated.

So, I was more than happy to agree to my first function of 2012, a fund raising dinner being organised by the delightful Tammie Matson from Animal Works. Animal Works supports wildlife conservation programs in Africa and India and Tammie is slanting this function towards raising funds for rhino conservation in Zimbabwe.

Best of all, I don't have to do all the talking. In fact, Tammie is bringing together four authors of books about Africa at the dinner - her (she wrote the brilliant 'Dry Water' about her time as a wildlife researcher in Zimbabwe and Namibia, and I'm looking forward to reading her new book, Elephant Dance); the delightful Sally Henderson (Silent Footsteps and Ivory Moon); Peter Allison, whose popular book about his experiences as a safari guide 'Whatever you do Don't Run' would be the poorer without the scene where a mouse burrows into his bottom for warmth (as if); and me.

The Animal Works 'Imagine Africa' dinner is to be held at Ripples Restaurant, Deck C, Chowder Bay Road, Mosman (that's in Sydney, not in Africa), from 6.30pm on Wednesday, February 22. Bookings: call Ripples on 99603000 or email Tammie at

The cost is $95 per head, but before you say 'no, that's too much, even for Zimbabwe and the rhinos', let me point out that this includes a $50 donation to the charity, and the other $45 covers dinner, a glass of bubbles on arrival, and red and white wine during the meal. Given the price of drinks in Sydney I reckon $45 for a meal and wine - hell, even the full $95 - is pretty good. Plus, you get to ask Peter about the mouse.


RobertLW said...

Very amusing blog, Tony. And a great cause.

Varykino said...

Very funny . Thanks for the great laugh.
You can get a SA [Sth Australian...] cleanskin chardonnay in Woolies for $4.99 and if you hang about waiting for their 30% discount sales if you buy six that brings the price down to $3.50... and it's actually quite a nice drop...apart from that yes the SA [Sth African] wines are just the tops!

tonypark said...

Varykino, when beer comes back to 80 cents a can in Australia I'll come back full time.

dozycow said...

Wow, all my favourite writers together & a wonderful cause too - will be trying my damndest to make it !

Btw: You're so right Varykino, Sth African wines are tops - I've been 'testing' a few of them myself...

Ardrossan said...

HA HA ...most amusing.
Agree completely re South African wine. In the USA we used to buy Far Horizon red in a larger size bottle with a free opener taped to the bottle. Was a great deal and of course you needed the openers in those days before the advent of screw tops.
Unfortunately Mudgee wine makers charge top dollar for their vino, understandably wanting to make a decent living after all their hard work. No doubt the wages in SA are much less therefore cheaper vino.

Bongi said...

A bit far for me. Sorry, but I hope you all have a great time.